Sun’s up…

It seems like only days ago it was near dark as I drove home from work. I’m use to it spending the majority of my life in the Pacific Northwest, and don’t get me wrong, I love it here, I have tried living other places only to miss my four distinguished seasons; but this year I seem to be ready sooner than most for longer days.

Nearly overnight we went from being stuck inside from 5:00 pm until the following day, to not even thinking about stepping foot inside until close to 8:00. The past few nights we have witnessed the signs of summer creeping in. The neighbors came out and we shared an evening walk/bike ride, dinner on the patio, lawns being mowed, flowers blooming, birds chirping… It’s as if new life has taken form on our sleepy country road.

Those that know me well; know one of my happy places is surrounded by our friends. Many of them I consider family. The first sight of sunshine and I was already planning a BBQ. Yes, I love our friends, but their presence is so much more than just company. These are the people who stood beside us as we said our vows, paced the lobby with my family when Mermaid was refusing to join us in the world, cried with us when we lost loved ones, supported me when I said I have this crazy idea to start sharing our life online, reached out and waited just as impatiently as we did for Mermaid’s diagnosis, get us through our days when we are away from our family and did all of this, plus countless more, not because they had too, bound by blood, but because they wanted too.

(Don’t worry those of you that couldn’t make it, we feel the same about you!)

We are blessed ten fold to be surrounded by people who despite our individual religious or political views, despite where we came from or where were headed, continue to make that choice in walking with us. I have spoke before about how important the people we walk through life are, they have helped shape who we are today and who we will become tomorrow. They are a solid. It’s important to me to show that solidarity to Mermaid, to show her that from the beginning she has had all this support. That despite her differences, she is now and always will be surrounded by a solid. If we can teach her now, the importance of building those meaningful, lasting relationships, she will build that for herself when we are no longer responsible for her surroundings.

I took a brief moment to stand in the kitchen, veered past the dried out yellow rose in my window sill, and watched life happen from a distance. I saw one of our Groomsmen catering to a 3 year old child he felt as his own, a couple well on their way to beginning life – attempting to have a child, a former co-worker turned best friend laughing a belly laugh I hadn’t seen in quite some time, my soul sister watching her new love with gazing eyes, Our responsible DD on duty waiting for her next call indulging in everyone’s antics, Newer friends sliding into the madness as if they had been there forever.. I paused, took it all in… and rejoined life.

I hope if for nothing else in this world for my Mermaid, that one day, she too, will look out her own window and see  how grand life can be. That for small moments in time we are all connected, all the same, despite how different we really are.

I started this post the night after our BBQ, above is as far as I made it, I had a better ending, I had a real connection to my point, but that fell short by one of the people I gazed out at…. tragically losing their life the following day. I have hesitated to post this, perhaps it would feel inappropriate in the wake of life’s events, drudge up hurt or sorrow, but I decided to finish. Afterall, our journey, be it Doctors appointments, public shame, questions, is what I signed up for. I took an oathe to myself and or readers to share our journey, so I will now try to conclude.

Many moons ago I met an amazing young woman, we went to college together. We started within a short time of eachother at the same company, in the same department, with the same doctors. Our professional connection means little. I honestly cant remember a time in my life where said person and I couldnt pick up the phone and hash out lifes issues, Through weddings and babies, SO many crazy nights, our “crew” moving away, making new lives, and finding ourselves, we were there.

I hadnt seen her happiness shine through the way it did that day in a long time. They were the couple starting a new life – attempting to have a child. Her better half lost his life in a tragic motorcycle accident the following day. For someone who feels pretty confident in their words, I don’t at this time. I wish I could say that things get easier with time, I can’t. I want to text, call, show up and think that my presence makes it better, but I know it doesn’t. I KNOW more than anyone could ever possibly imagine that an event of this magnitutde leaves you stranded.

Here is what I will remember, on a sunny day in April,  rare to the pacific northwest, I got to laugh and share about life with the person that made her so happy. We shared not only a Birthday month, but a work anniersary. That for a brief moment, I stood back and watched, I saw, I know, what happiness is.

I cannot give the happy ending I intended this post to have the way I would like too, but what I can do, is promise you, promise you all, anyone that takes the time to read this, that whether you know I feel it, or see it, your presence, big and small, gives me hope for better days. Your mere presence gives me the strength to continue writing about our journey and know, to really, really know, that Mermaid has the best most amazing foundation anyone could ask for.

Our random April get together was sporadic, it was fed by my own selfish need to feel the rays on my back and the love of our friends, and it will forever remain that.

I will share with Mermaid, later in life, the people that made me… well… me… and to everyone present, know that you too, will forever be a part of our solid.

Cheers to sunny Saturday’s.

Thanks for walking with us today,

Mermaid’s Mommy

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